Two Gay Women Snuggling

No Sex?!? 2 Common Causes for Passion & Intimacy Issues

If you’re having passion and intimacy problems, your relationship likely did not start out that way.  You and your significant other were probably cruising along, enjoying lots of passion and intimacy but then…wham!  You hit a wall!  The passion dried up and you were left wondering, “What happened????”  Unfortunately this is an all too common occurrence in lesbian relationships and often comes seemingly out of the blue.

While you may feel like the sudden drop off in sex occurred over night, take a moment and look back over the few month’s prior.  Were you fighting more?  Were you spending more time together doing mundane things?  Were excuses for not having sex starting to crop up?  If so, you may be experiencing one of the 2 common causes for the loss of sexual energy in your relationship.

Cause #1 – Relationship Issues

Women need connection to have sex and be intimate.  Relationship issues will negatively affect your sex life, even if they don’t seem connected.  If one or both of you are feeling attacked, dissatisfied, misunderstood, distrustful, or any number of other negative emotions, you will not be in the emotional or mental state to be intimate.  The intensity of these emotions and the frequency you experience them are a gauge of how they are affecting your relationship.  If you’re feeling distrust towards your significant other on a regular basis because you think she is cheating on you, you sex life is going to suffer more intensely then if you feel distrustful because she didn’t take out the garbage.

Cause #2 – Friend-Zone

Lesbians, please, resist the “urge to merge!”  Nothing kills your sex life quicker then falling into the friendship rut.  This occurs when you’re spending too much time together, relying on her for all your emotional support, and treating each other more like friends than lovers.  Make sure you are spending time apart especially with other friends and on activities that you enjoy.  When you’re together, emotionally support each other differently than you do your friends.  Give her your attention and focus without judgment.   Practice being an empathetic listener that she can trust to hear her out and avoid giving her your opinions or suggestions when she’s emotionally vulnerable.  Lastly, cultivate passion and intimacy by re-kindling the romance in your relationship.  Write her love notes, bring her flowers for no reason, and surprise her with a romantic dinner out.

If you’re experiencing passion and intimacy issues in your relationship, don’t expect them to go away on their own.  Instead of getting better with time, they often get much worse and result in “Lesbian Bed Death,” infidelity, and relationship break ups.  Be proactive and find out what may be causing your problems and what you can do to fix your relationship.  It’s never too late as long as you are both committed to learning and growing together.

More Resources: Ask Darcy

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Comments 4

  1. jamie hoehn

    thank you for this. some of that was important information that most of us are afraid to admit ourselves, much less advise others on the issue. i especially relate to #2 “friend zone” and vow to be a better listener with less advice and opinion projectile spewing from ma piehole making me come off judgemental! i needed that! thanx! <3

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  2. a-b

    Hello. I came across this site while trying to find some answers to what may be happening to my relationship. My gf has told me that I do not satisfy her in bed. She expressed to me that she feels neither satisfied nor dissatisfied with our over all relationship. That we are “just there”?. I have a great time with her but lately I’m not sure how she’s feeling with me. I have been in long relationships before and have never had this issue sexually with any of my past partners. She did mention to me that at times she feels we are more friends than anything. We rarely have sex anymore. I try to initiate sex with her often but it doesn’t seem to go anywhere. I’ve always thought your partner should be your best friend. We don’t argue, we respect each other, we don’t have trust issues and I care a lot about her. I want to satisfy my partner. I feel that the second I try to have sex with her she’s already turned off, has even told me to stop. I really don’t know what to do. I feel really distraught. I try to spice our relationship but something doesn’t seem to be working. What can I do? How can I make her open to showing me what it is that she wants or how to please her without her being instantly turned off the second I try. Please help. Thanks…

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      Hi AB,

      I’m sorry you’re experiencing these problems in your relationship. Unfortunately mismatched libidos are a common problem. If she’s open to talking about your sex life and working on creating more of a sexual connection you can try the activities in my book The Lesbian Intimacy Manual. The book helps you create more connection and intimacy in your relationship which is a create way to bring the passion back into your love life. Often when women don’t feel intimately connected, they don’t want to have sex. You can start by working on the intimacy and taking the focus off of sex and see if that helps the situation. You can get the book at

      Big Love,

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