Q – Bad Response to Lost Virginity?

What would you do?  You’re a 30-something virgin, you saved yourself for someone you were truly in love with and they responded badly – what would you do?

Suggested Reading – Lesbian Sex Books


Her Letter:

I’m a 32 year old woman and I lost my virginity recently (1 month and half ago).  I’m no longer in the relationship due to many complicated reasons.

Being a virgin was a matter of choice for me and being the romantic person that I am I wanted to preserve myself for the person I’d really fallen in love with.   I met a woman a year ago and I truly fell in love with her.  I had explained to her beforehand and she had accepted it without any problem.   I came to a point where I felt my love grew for her to a point to give her
myself fully.

Being a virgin sex for me was a baby learning how to walk, everything seemed new and like an unexplored territory for me.  I had read and heard that first times might be not really go as expected because it’s all about learning your partner and her likes and so forth.  I quite frankly didn’t know how to touch her.  It was quite frustrating for her and sometimes she used to be extremely mad at me.  When I wanted to hug her for comfort she would just push me away.  One night she blurted out saying that I am a
robot and need some sense of feeling.

I started feeling abnormal.  She left it few days and wanted us to try again but the thing is I was starting to dread the bedroom.  I’d go there really tense and nothing in my mind but the failure on how to touch her and make her come and I failed.  I don’t know if that was related to her being really frustrated and her reactions that held me back.  I admit that I have to be much more sex educated.  I’m working on that and would love to have more referrals from you.  It was quite emotional for me. Some women I’ve heard say that when with a virgin person it might be frustrating but as long as there is love they are willing to let their partners practice with them until they feel more confident about things, no matter how long it would take.
Am I abnormal?

Will I ever be good at sex?

If I wanted to improve myself sexually wise (without practicing with anyone but only on myself) would it be possible to make more ready to have a better sexual relationship in the future?

My Response

I want to make sure that you hear this and understand this – You Are Not A Failure!  There is a learning curve to sex both as a virgin and anytime you’re with a new partner.  You are feeling tense and upset because of your partner’s reactions and your own beliefs about sex.  You can’t do anything about her reactions.  But you can change your beliefs.  #1 You will get better at sex as long as you get educated, practice on yourself, and when you’re ready on another person.  #2 What is your definition of sex and of success in the bedroom?  Is sex only penetration or oral stimulation?  What is your definition?  Some women do not like penetration.  Some women don’t like oral sex.  What is your definition?  Success?  Is success only when both people get off?  Could success be if both of you felt connected to each other?  Could success be if only one person gets off?

Bottom Line – Don’t let this one person’s reactions determine how you feel about yourself and your abilities.

Partners beliefs – She may have romanticized virgin sex, had an unrealistic view of what the experience would actually be like, and was disappointed when it was different.  She may have had trouble articulating what she really wanted, how she wanted to be touched, and took her frustrations out on you.  She may have hang ups about sex that you don’t even know about.  Right now, you need to focus on taking care of yourself, getting educated sexually, feeling comfortable with intimacy again.

Most ex-virgins will tell you that at first sex is often uncomfortable, awkward, gross, robotic, not at all sexy, etc    But most of us started at a young age with partners who were also sex newbies.  Now we know what to expect, we understand our bodies, we know how to talk to our sexual partners about what gets them off and we feel comfortable experimenting.  You’re not abnormal, you’re just going through the phase that many of us went through in our teens and just like us you’ll get there too!

The really good news is that can get a lot of sex skills through experimenting with your own body and reading books about different techniques.

3 Things to Do:

#1  Start Reading!

Suggested Reading – Lesbian Sex Books

#2  Experiment on Your Body – Try techniques you’re reading about, get a vibrator and try using it on yourself in different ways.  Your goal is to experiment in a variety of ways so that you know how these sensations feel before using them on another person.  Your second goal is to really understand how your body works so that you can tell your next sexual partner what feels good to you.

#3  Get more physical human contact and hugging in general.  When in a relationship do a lot of touching, petting, heavy make out sessions so that sex is just a natural progression for you and not an awkward “thing.”   You’ll be much more relaxed about it and used to physical intimacy before having sex again.

I said 3 things, but I’m going to give you a 4th thing to do.  Every time you think of your previous experience, how it made you feel, and the things your partner said, I want you to close your eyes, take a deep breath, and say to yourself (with feeling) “I’m a hot and passionate lover!”

Because you’re what you think about and what you focus on.  Focus on becoming a hot and passionate lover and when you’re ready, you’ll be ready!

Sending you lot’s of sweet lesbian love –

Christine Dunn-Cunningham, Lesbian Love Guru


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