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Top 10 Deal Breakers for Lesbians

“I wish I would have paid attention when…” is what many of my clients say before they describe one of the following deal breakers.  A deal breaker is simply an issue that will create major problems in your relationship and likely cause a future break up.  It can be a fundamental difference in values, major transgression, or just a plain old personal preference.  Here is a list of the top 10 deal breakers in lesbian relationships.


It may be that she is devotedly religious while you’re as atheist as they come or simply that you follow different faiths, when it comes to religious views a lot depends on the role it plays in your life.  Religion may be a deal breaker for you and if it is, make sure you both know where you stand.


Want to get married or NOT?!?  Be up front about your views on marriage and ask her to share her views.  If they conflict – be aware – this may be a deal breaker!

ChildrenChild with Chocolate

Some lesbians want children, some don’t.  Some will raise children from other relationships, some won’t.  Children may be the BIGGEST deal breaker.  Be honest about your preference (or about offspring you already have) and ask her to be too.


If she cheats on you, it’s a deal breaker.  As the old adage goes, “once a cheater, always a cheater,” of course it’s not true in every situation but it is often enough to be a true deal breaker.

Family Relationships

This deal breaker is really subjective.  Does she have a weird relationship with her father?  Does she hate her siblings?  Is she a “momma’s girl?”  If the relationships she has with her family interfere with your relationship then they may be a deal breaker.

Drug/Alcohol Use

Addictive behavior including drug and alcohol abuse can sour a relationship in record time and may be a deal breaker for you in general.  If she hides her behavior or prioritizes drug or alcohol use over you then it’s definitely a deal breaker.  Don’t stick around to watch your relationship go down in flames, instead find someone who has their priorities straight.


If you hate dogs or LOVE cats, let her know.  Allergies, childhood traumas, or even a preference for a certain type of pet can create major problems when it becomes time to combine your households.  Avoid future problems by discussing this potential deal breaker early on.

Career ChoiceLesbian Business Woman

Career choice may seem like something that doesn’t matter much when you’re looking for Ms. Right but it can create a huge rift in your relationship in the future.  Will you be okay with an empty house if her job requires her to travel often or demands a lot of overtime?  Will it be too nerve-racking for you if she has a dangerous job?  Do you mind if she makes more/less money than you?  Does her job require her to do something that conflicts with your values?  Be aware of any potential career deal breakers and don’t be afraid to call it quits over them.


Even little lies can hide bigger problems.  Did she lie about what she did last Saturday?  Did she say she was staying home sick when she was really out dancing?  When people lie about little things, they usually lie about big, important things too.  If you can’t trust her to tell you the truth, then that’s a deal breaker!

Out of the Closet/In the Closet

Are you willing to go back in the closet if she’s in the closet?  Do you value your privacy and she’s a community pride organizer?  “Closet Status” can create major relationship upset if you can’t live with her choices.  Talk to her about how out she is – at home, at work, and with her family.  Whether or not she is as out as you, it’s her choice, just let her know where you’re at and be prepared to move on.

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