Lesbian Wonders, Is She Cheating on Me?

Emotional Cheating in Lesbian Relationships: What you need to know NOW!

Beth thought Sue was acting different. Ever since Sue started spending more and more time with her Lesbian Wonders, Is She Cheating on Me?friend Amanda, Beth had noticed a change.

“At first I was happy for Sue.” Beth confessed, “She doesn’t have a lot of close friends and I thought her friendship with Amanda would bring her out of her shell. But then they started calling and texting each other constantly. I had the nagging feeling that Sue was pulling away from me and our relationship. I know nothing physical was happening between the two of them. It just didn’t feel right.”

What Beth was experiencing in her relationship was something called, “emotional cheating.” Sue and Amanda had forged a connection to each other that went beyond a close friendship. Amanda started fulfilling emotional needs for Sue that are integral to an intimate relationship, needs that should only be fulfilled by her significant other, Beth. Sue may not even realize that her behavior and connection to Amanda has moved out of the “friend-zone” and into emotional cheating.

An intimate lesbian relationship consists of a framework of behaviors and emotional connections that create a bond between two people. Before Sue’s relationship with Amanda escalated into emotional cheating, Sue would connect with Beth both physically – hugging, kissing, sex – and emotionally – sharing stories, offering emotional support, loving words and deeds, being present and attentive. A mix of both aspects, physical and emotional, is important to a healthy relationship. Once one piece goes missing, the intimate bond begins to deteriorate.

Unfortunately emotional cheating is often far more destructive to a lesbian relationship than a physical infidelity. It can go much further before it is acknowledged because the line between “friendship” and “emotionally intimate relationship” can be blurred. There isn’t just one definite act that points to cheating. Physical cheating is easy to define for most people – it’s a specific sexual act. But what constitutes emotional cheating? Ask 10 people and you’re likely to get 10 different answers.

What is clear is that emotional cheating goes beyond a normal friendship. Some common signs of emotional cheating are:

1) Sharing most of your intimate thoughts with someone outside of your relationship

2) Seeking and giving a majority of your emotional support to someone outside of your relationship

3) Depending on someone besides your significant other to meet your need to feel loved, connected, and/or significant.

4) Thinking about or being distracted by someone else when you should be present in your relationship (ex. out to dinner with significant other)

5) Spending more time connecting with someone outside of your relationship – talking on the phone, texting, or spending time together

It’s normal at times to support a friend or family member emotionally outside of your relationship. Maybe your friend is going through a tough break up or a family member has passed away. Usually you will only be doing 1 or 2 of the above behaviors for a short period of time. This is not considered emotional cheating. Emotional cheating is when someone is participating in all or most of the above behaviors over a long period of time. They may make excuses for prolonging the contact (“Oh, Amanda’s dad is really sick” “Amanda might lose her job”) or refuse to acknowledge it. They may even start hiding how often they contact each other.

The best way to deal with emotional cheating is to not let it happen in the first place! If you’re having problems in your relationship, get help (like coaching specifically for lesbian couples) before things get worse. It’s much easier to solve problems in your relationship before something like emotional cheating happens.

If emotional cheating is already happening in your relationship or if you suspect it’s happening, it’s best to avoid accusing your significant other of it. Making accusations will only put her on the defensive and drive her further away from you and your relationship. Rather than becoming accusatory, it’s best to talk about the behaviors that are bothering you and how you feel. When Beth sat down to talk to Sue, she said, “I noticed you’re spending more and more time with Amanda. I feel like she is starting to meet emotional needs for you that I should be meeting. I want to take responsibility for meeting your needs and I think we should figure out how to re-connect emotionally.” Beth and Sue decided it would be best to get some outside help. Getting outside help (like coaching) will help you determine why it’s happening and what you need to do to re-connect with each other. This may include dealing with problems that arise from the emotional cheating like anger or trust issues.

Once Beth and Sue acknowledged the relationship problems they were having that lead to Sue seeking attention from Amanda, they were able to move past them. They both realized that they weren’t meeting each other’s needs regularly and had allowed persistent problems to drive a wedge between them. With a little outside help and a new understanding of each other, they are now happier than ever!

Check this article out on the Huffington Post website…

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