Our Wedding

My Story

My wife and I met the 1st day of college in an incredibly serendipitous way – we were freshmen roommates.  We were both from small towns and neither of us acknowledged that we might be gay.  It took us a year and a half to finally start dating (my wife claims she kissed me first!).  The day was March 22, 1999.  I remember the date clearly because it is the day my life changed forever.

While the story of how we met and started dating seems almost like a fairy tale, the reality of our relationship was nothing like the “happily ever after” I dreamt about.  For awhile we lived blissfully in what is often dubbed “The Honeymoon Period.”  We spent nearly ever waking minute together.  I bought her roses and she wrote poems about me in her creative writing class.  We would cuddle for hours and call each other by cutesy pet names.  We were totally, completely, whole-heartedly…in love.  But after the bliss started to wear off, problems seemed to appear out of nowhere.  We were different people who were raised differently with different role models and different ideas on how relationships work.  We knew that we loved each other and were meant to be together, but instead we were unhappy, unfulfilled and worried if there was really a future for us together.

I remember those first few years like they were yesterday.  I was so incredibly in love with Liz but so incredibly miserable at the same time.  We had completely different “discussion” styles – I yelled while she would sit silently staring straight ahead.  We had no idea how to really communicate with each other.  We seemed to always be hurting each other’s feelings.  Our intimacy suffered, our health suffered and our certainty in our future was failing.  We didn’t want to break up or hurt each other anymore.  We KNEW we had to do something.

I remember some of the questions I would ask myself during our quest to fix our relationship.  Questions like, “How do other people make their relationships work?”  “Are other people happy or are they just afraid to be alone?”  “Is it possible to be happy, in love and passionate about your significant other after the “Honeymoon” ends?”  I had to know the answers but I wasn’t sure where to find them. 

Heterosexuals have no problem finding relationship books, programs, therapists, seminars and even weekend retreats.  Ten years ago there wasn’t much out there for lesbians.  I diligently read any book I could find on the subject, taking a little here and a little there to try out.  I read lesbian, gay and heterosexual relationship books.  I listed to audio, watched videos and adapted exercises for us.  Slowly our relationship got stronger and stronger.  We could finally talk about our problems and find solutions without yelling at each other.  We started feeling deeper levels of love, respect and intimacy.  Our sex life got A LOT better!  We felt like we were in love again.

It’s amazing to me to look back now and know the answers to those questions that bothered me so much.  Now I know how people make their relationships work.  I know that it is possible to be happy, in love and passionate about your significant other.  I know this because I live it.  Because I remember how our relationship used to be, how unhappy I was, I want to teach people how to put that magic back into their relationship.

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Comments 14

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  1. RC

    hi there.. 🙂 i have a question.. i know that im gay.. and i know my friends will not accept me for who i am.. maybe they will but they will not completely understand.. i wanted to be real.. what should i do?

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      Hi RC,

      It’s hard to tell anyone else how to handle coming out. It really depends on your situation, where you live, how old you are, and many other factors. While I don’t suggest that people live their lives in the closet, sometimes it is necessary in certain situations. I would suggest that you google “coming out” to find resources on the web to help you make that decision. There are “how to” guides and forums for people just like you. You may also want to read other people’s coming out stories so that you know what to expect. Everyone has a unique coming out story, some where the people around them were amazing and supportive and others where people were not supportive. Whatever you decide, know that no matter what happens, you are not alone. If you can’t find people to support you in your town or city, then reach out to people on the internet. There are many, many people just like you who will love and support you.

      Good luck, Christine

  2. ursula

    Hi! I am actually in a quite difficult situation.
    I’ll keep it short.I am a 40 year old woman.Married for 22 years.Have 2 daughters of 21 an 17 years.I had a reasonable happy marriage until I met her.
    She’s 30 years old.Not married but already in a 4 year relationship with another woman.
    She’s the sweetest, gentlest most beautiful girl I’ve ever met.
    Our circumstances prohibit us from even being allowed to be seen in public.
    We live in a very conservative community and also the fact that we are both in relationships.
    We are madly inlove with each other but we see no way out for us.She comes to my house almost every weekend and then we will go out and arrange some private time.
    My husband and children like her very much, but are not aware of what’s really going on between us.
    I don’t know what to do anymore because I don’t want to ruine any one’s lifes.I can’t suppress my feelings any longer.

    What should I do?

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      Christine Dunn, Lesbian Love Guru

      Hi Ursula,

      I’m not an advice columnist, I teach people how to create the relationships of their dreams. I’m not going to give you advice beyond this – go with your heart. Life is short, do what will bring you the most joy and fulfillment.

      Christine Dunn

  3. Paola

    I can’t believe I finally found this site, I am in the exact same postition you were years ago! Our honeymoon phase ended abruptly due to depression problems (I had them) and some other life-changing-events. And now I find myself in a relationship with a woman that’s everything to me, that I know I love, but stuck in the little problems that turn out to be so stressful. Please tell me what books videos or exercises got you out of those times, I yearn for the kind of love and relationship that you so obviously have now.

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      Christine Dunn, Lesbian Love Guru

      Hi Paola,

      Thanks for visiting the site and sharing your problems. There are a lot of lesbians who are sturggling with the exact same issues you are having. I have a bunch of resources available to help you work through your relationship problems. Below I’ve outlined a few places to start.

      If you haven’t already, sign up for the free download of my “Ultimate Relationship Guide” (enter email address in the form to the right). With it you will receive access to a bunch of “members-only” resources like free audio programs, exercises, eBooks, and worksheets. I’m always adding more to it and you’ll receive email updates when I do. Also, visit http://www.thelesbianlovecoach.com/discover/ to download a 30 minute MP3 about the loss of passion in lesbian relationships. You’ll hear from me and my wife, Liz how we overcame our problems and what you can do too. Finally, browse the articles and videos I have posted here on this website. I cover a lot of issues and I’m adding new content weekly.

      Keep loving that wonderful woman you’re with and keep working on your relationship, soon you’ll be living the life of your dreams!


  4. mina

    hi, just read your story and how your relationship started with liz was indeed very colorful. Im also in a relationship right now and this coming jan 2013 will be our 4 year anniversarry. We are schoolmates and graduated with the same degree, we had a short relationship during college days gut luckyly we have the chance to meet again after 14 years, since then we are never apart. Can i just ask some suggestions how can we celebrate are up coming anniversarry. Thanks and more power.

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      Christine Dunn, Lesbian Love Guru

      Congratulations Mina!

      Yes Liz and I have had a very interesting life together 🙂 My suggestions for your anniversary –> go on a romantic vacation together to someplace new that you are both interested in visiting. Make sure you don’t pack your schedule too full. Instead plan to spend time strolling your surroundings chatting, sitting in a coffee shop people watching, staying in bed late to cuddle and make love. Your goal should be to celebrate your relationship and forge a deeper connection to each other.

      Hope this helps!


  5. Marilyn Rodriguez

    Hi, me and my girl if we make it until Feb will make 5yrs together. She travels for her job and is gone all the time, it seems every year she is out more. This year, we have her father leaving with us, while she is working (out of town) I am taking care of her father. We did break up last year for 6 months and managed to get back together on our anniversary last yr in Feb then her father moved in April. Its seem a big adjusted living with her dad who has MS, there are good days and bad days mostly good. But while she is out I am taking care of everything at home, her dad, etc. Everytime I dare to think to take our relationship to the next level, it seems like there are issues, like today i texted her since she was at work that I know she loves me but I asked her if she was still “in love” with me, first time was ignored, I sent it like 3hrs later, she finally replies, that was an awkward questions..I was so confused and bothered. Then I said just humor me and just answer, she replied, “I cant”. Finally got her on the phone, she said she didnt know. I just had this feeling we were connecting so I asked her. Honestly, I am hurt since I am doing so much for the relationship, taking care of her dad and do feel recently that I am being taken for granted and not feel like she is not appreciating me. According to her, I wanted her back so I am the driver to the car “our relationship” and I am like, we are both in the relationship, I am doing my best and do beyond. But she comes back and tells me you dont have to take care of my dad, I am like…confused. I told her a few months ago, we talked about marriage and she replied she would married me in a heartbeat, and I told her that today..she said well things changed. I even asked her if there was someone else..she said why do I always think that. I do love her. I do want her in my life. I feel like what I am doing is not good enough. I been better in giving her her space but its hard when she is gone all the time. I just feel it supposed to be both trying to keep this relationship alive, it feel one-sided lately. I do not want to break up. But if she is not seeing what I am doing, not appreciating the things I am doing…idk. She tells me she has new stress and new focuses (she wants to take care of both her parents) and feels that she wont be able to give me what I want. Im here thinking I am helping with her father to help her out and shes like its not your job. Maybe she is done with me, what do you think?? Thanks in advance.

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      Christine Dunn, Lesbian Love Guru

      Hi Marilyn,

      Thanks for connecting with me. I’m sorry to hear that you are having issues in your relationship. After 5 years in a relationship there can be a lot of different emotional issues going on. It’s hard to go deep into a fix for this situation via this response but I do want to give you some resources to help.

      From what you are saying it seems like neither of you are getting your needs met by the relationship. When people can’t meet their needs in their relationship, they met them elsewhere (work, taking care of parents, cheating, hobbies, etc). Once someone goes outside of the relationship to meet their needs you will feel a breakdown in connection and intimacy. It’s important to understand that this isn’t either of your fault and it can be fixed if you are both committed to fixing it. The first thing you need to do if you haven’t already sign up for the “Ultimate Relationship” free ebook which will give you access to the resource section of this website. In the resource section check out the resources about the “6 Human Needs.” The resources on the 6 Human Needs will give you a framework for both understanding what each of you need in your relationship and also how to meet those needs.

      Also, I have several upcoming events where we spend a fun-filled weekend re-connecting as couples. Sign up for tour updates and you’ll get alerted to dates and venues (I travel all over, so don’t worry if you don’t see your city listed).


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