If you’re having passion and intimacy problems, your relationship likely did not start out that way.  You and your significant other were probably cruising along, enjoying lots of passion and intimacy but then…wham!  You hit a wall!  The passion dried up and you were left wondering, “What happened????”  Unfortunately this is an all too common occurrence in lesbian relationships and often comes seemingly out of the blue.

While you may feel like the sudden drop off in sex occurred over night, take a moment and look back over the few month’s prior.  Were you fighting more?  Were you spending more time together doing mundane things?  Were excuses for not having sex starting to crop up?  If so, you may be experiencing one of the 2 common causes for the loss of sexual energy in your relationship.

Cause #1 – Relationship Issues

Women need connection to have sex and be intimate.  Relationship issues will negatively affect your sex life, even if they don’t seem connected.  If one or both of you are feeling attacked, dissatisfied, misunderstood, distrustful, or any number of other negative emotions, you will not be in the emotional or mental state to be intimate.  The intensity of these emotions and the frequency you experience them are a gauge of how they are affecting your relationship.  If you’re feeling distrust towards your significant other on a regular basis because you think she is cheating on you, you sex life is going to suffer more intensely then if you feel distrustful because she didn’t take out the garbage.

Cause #2 – Friend-Zone

Lesbians, please, resist the “urge to merge!”  Nothing kills your sex life quicker then falling into the friendship rut.  This occurs when you’re spending too much time together, relying on her for all your emotional support, and treating each other more like friends than lovers.  Make sure you are spending time apart especially with other friends and on activities that you enjoy.  When you’re together, emotionally support each other differently than you do your friends.  Give her your attention and focus without judgment.   Practice being an empathetic listener that she can trust to hear her out and avoid giving her your opinions or suggestions when she’s emotionally vulnerable.  Lastly, cultivate passion and intimacy by re-kindling the romance in your relationship.  Write her love notes, bring her flowers for no reason, and surprise her with a romantic dinner out.

If you’re experiencing passion and intimacy issues in your relationship, don’t expect them to go away on their own.  Instead of getting better with time, they often get much worse and result in “Lesbian Bed Death,” infidelity, and relationship break ups.  Be proactive and find out what may be causing your problems and what you can do to fix your relationship.  It’s never too late as long as you are both committed to learning and growing together.

More Resources: Ask Darcy

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About Christine

Christine is The Lesbian Love Guru, Transformational Love Guide, and conscious love expert specializing in working with the lesbian and queer community. After struggling for years to make her first relationship work, she decided to learn everything she possibly could about relationships, communication, intimacy, human psychology, and most importantly - loving yourself. Christine never thought her journey to create lasting love in her own life would lead her to a dramatic career change but it did. Her quest took her around the world and finally to Tony Robbin’s Namale Resort in Fiji for a Life Mastery Retreat. While attending Tony’s seminar she realized there were a lot of women just like her struggling to attract their soul mate and create a deeply connected, passionate relationship that lasts. She decided right then and there she would take all her knowledge and put it to good use helping others. Since 2011 she’s helped thousands of women find love and create extraordinary relationships through her videos, books, blog (LesbianLoveGuru.com), online and live workshops, and one-on-one private coaching. She’s been invited to speak on the Conscious LGBTQI Love Telesummit and Happy, Healthy Lesbian Telesummit, write for the LGBT Relationship Network and has been featured in Go Magazine, on QueerFatFemme.com, and on CardCarryingLesbian.com. Her articles have appeared on Huffington Post Online, YourTango, and HER. In 2015 she wrote “The Lesbian Intimacy Manual: 28 Days to Deeper Intimacy & Connection” with her partner Leah Love to share the principles of Conscious Love, Sacred Sexuality, and Tantra with the lesbian community. She also co-authored "Conscious Love: Enlightened Relationships & Soulful Sex." As a Transformational Love Guide, Christine provides her clients a safe, supportive, and judgment-free space to discuss their love and relationship challenges. She leads singles through a powerful process to align them with love and attract their soul mates with ease. She helps them uncover and resolve hidden challenges that have held them back from experiencing the love they truly deserve with remarkable results. For couples experiencing a relationship challenge she supports them in quickly move from despair, frustration, anger, and overwhelm into feeling empowered with the tools they need to create the best relationship of their lives! Christine currently lives in Austin, Texas with her partner Leah Love and two beautiful daughters. They jokingly call their household a zoo because they’re animal lovers with two dogs, two mini pigs, a lizard, a cat, and probably some chickens, bunnies, or ferrets (who knows what they’ll adopt next!). When they’re not laying in the hammock together basking in the sunshine, they’re working on bringing more love into the world. Leah is a Tantra Goddess, Sacred Sexuality and Intimacy expert who helps women reclaim their sexual prowess. Together they teach intimacy and communication for couples, Tantra, erotic empowerment, sacred sexuality, and healing through touch. To discover what “Conscious Love” means to you and how you can cultivate it in your life download her “21 Day Guided Journal for Awakening Conscious Love” free for a limited time – http://www.lesbianloveguru.com/cljournal


No Sex?!? 2 Common Causes for Passion & Intimacy Issues — 4 Comments

  1. thank you for this. some of that was important information that most of us are afraid to admit ourselves, much less advise others on the issue. i especially relate to #2 “friend zone” and vow to be a better listener with less advice and opinion projectile spewing from ma piehole making me come off judgemental! i needed that! thanx! <3

  2. Christine,
    Hello. I came across this site while trying to find some answers to what may be happening to my relationship. My gf has told me that I do not satisfy her in bed. She expressed to me that she feels neither satisfied nor dissatisfied with our over all relationship. That we are “just there”?. I have a great time with her but lately I’m not sure how she’s feeling with me. I have been in long relationships before and have never had this issue sexually with any of my past partners. She did mention to me that at times she feels we are more friends than anything. We rarely have sex anymore. I try to initiate sex with her often but it doesn’t seem to go anywhere. I’ve always thought your partner should be your best friend. We don’t argue, we respect each other, we don’t have trust issues and I care a lot about her. I want to satisfy my partner. I feel that the second I try to have sex with her she’s already turned off, has even told me to stop. I really don’t know what to do. I feel really distraught. I try to spice our relationship but something doesn’t seem to be working. What can I do? How can I make her open to showing me what it is that she wants or how to please her without her being instantly turned off the second I try. Please help. Thanks…

    • Hi AB,

      I’m sorry you’re experiencing these problems in your relationship. Unfortunately mismatched libidos are a common problem. If she’s open to talking about your sex life and working on creating more of a sexual connection you can try the activities in my book The Lesbian Intimacy Manual. The book helps you create more connection and intimacy in your relationship which is a create way to bring the passion back into your love life. Often when women don’t feel intimately connected, they don’t want to have sex. You can start by working on the intimacy and taking the focus off of sex and see if that helps the situation. You can get the book at http://LesbianIntimacyManual.com

      Big Love,

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